An Open Letter from My Wounded Heart

For many years, I waited for the one. Last year, I met someone. We went on our first date on February 19th. I quickly chose to love her. I knew love was a choice, even though I couldn’t verbalize it as such at the time.

My heart was taken immediately. She was better than any woman I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I noticed her flaws, but I didn’t care—I was committed. It took about a month and a half before she started opening up to my love, and we shared our first kiss. The best time of my life began, not knowing the fall would be that hurtful.

During this time, we discussed our main life goals, and it seemed like, for her, the most important thing was the same as for me. She told me she wanted marriage and a family. At the time, I was starting to become more spiritual, but I wasn’t sure about marrying in church due to my negative view of religion. Today, I know that religion is a doctrine people claim to follow, but most don’t show their beliefs through their actions daily. This brings us to a universal truth: judge someone by their actions, not their words, which I failed to do here. Despite my previous views on religion, I realized that following Christ can only be a good thing as he represents the perfect man: sinless, compassionate, and unafraid to speak his truth. I couldn’t articulate it then, but my heart already believed the following words: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

One of the best moments was when she told me she was thanking God for putting me in her life. How can you say something better than that? She was pivotal in my journey to faith. I wrestled with the idea of knowing if these words were meant for a long time, but we should remember the wisdom: “For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end, she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it” (Proverbs 5:3-6).

I believe I faced almost everything like a real man, a man the little Joffrey would be extremely proud of. Isn’t it most important to make the little version of yourself proud? The only thing I could have voiced better was my fear of losing her. I know I might be too resilient at times, but that’s me. This makes me think about the importance of vulnerability, a crucial component in a healthy relationship. We are attracted to our rough edges. That’s what makes us human. Open up to your spouse or future spouse, even you men!

It seemed her self-esteem was a major obstacle to overcome. I always told her how beautiful and intelligent she was, while she said she thought the opposite. I wanted to ensure her decision to dump me wasn’t due to a lack of self-love. I always encouraged her to listen to her heart. If what she said she wanted was true, then she was self-sabotaging, and that pains my heart to a great extent. When you love someone, you tell them when they aren’t following the dreams in their soul. In the same way that, when raising kids, letting them do whatever they want whenever they want is dangerous. I felt I could delve deeply into her soul, feeling that she was not on the right path; it felt like I could hear the little her crying to be saved.

I fell into the archetype of the savior. I mean, I follow Jesus, its perfect representation. I followed my values until the end, and I still do today, and I will forever. If she had an avoidant attachment, scared to give her heart because of past experiences, I want her to do the work because I love her. I don’t want to learn she died from cancer or some other disease without making her dreams come true. These words bring me back to an important concept I recently grasped. We have to define what our paradise looks like and aim at it relentlessly. There may be a heaven after this life, but every day I show up to bring it to Earth, carrying the cross on my back!

On October 22nd, she left me like I was a total stranger. I fell into a deep depression; I faced nihilism. I struggled to find meaning despite pursuing all my other dreams more than ever. One thing was missing: love with a capital L. I kept fighting for two months after that day, but it was in vain. I couldn’t recognize her during our final video call. I couldn’t feel a soul in her. I then wondered who she really was for months until today.

Many months of emotional turmoil later, I am closing. I now feel safe to express myself; I don’t have shame anymore. God, please help her find her way back to you. The truth is probably that I chose to love someone from the camp of the enemy. I believe there is good in everyone, but perhaps trying to save her was mission impossible. It poses the question: to what point should we try to rescue someone? I shall never forget that there is nothing more beautiful than the truth. God, I love you with all my heart. I am so grateful for this life!

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About the Author

Joffrey Degueurce

Joffrey Degueurce

JD. French road and track cyclist for EuroCyclingTrips - CMI Pro Cycling and Giant Dijon Track Team. Bike fitter. Vegan athlete.

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